About the future and other fears

When do you know whether you’re planning the future or just daydreaming your life up? What if I’m gonna wake up one day, working a corporate job, watching the same old movies, stuck in my head living with a beautiful movie star in a house I dreamt up somewhere on the west coast? What if all this pressure I put on myself only makes me scared to try? Having no backup plan has always somehow worked out for me, but what if it won’t this time? What if I never try because I’m afraid of failing? What would happen if I failed?

If I failed, and by that I mean I’d try really hard, never got where my ambition is leading me, found out I wasn’t any good at what I dreamt of doing. If I failed, who would I be? I like to think of myself as an artist. But an artist who is far too intimidated by their art to make it isn’t really an artist, they’re a coward. So if I failed, maybe I wouldn’t be such a coward, but I gotta be honest, I don’t know what I would do without my dream. It’s what drives me, it’s what gets me through the day and puts me to sleep. The vision is so clear. I identified myself with my dream and now I don’t know who I am without it. I guess the same person I am now. After all, I am not living my dream, I’m surviving on the vision of it. So I’d find a different dream, I thought, a more attainable one. The thought not only scared me more, because even thinking about this meant I was doubting my dream, therefore doubting myself and my identity, but also I couldn’t come up with one thing I could imagine myself doing which would even bring me close to the…