Most of the time, particularly at night, I find myself under the influence of a strange, saddening, exhausting feeling. No matter how much I distract myself, it’s still there. In the back of my mind and then I ask myself. Why? I can’t find a satisfying answer. It is this heaviness I feel in my mind and in my chest. Like I’m about to cry but no tears are coming from my eyes. It’s so heavy. Like a cloud full of rain which cannot be released, it simply hovers inside of me. What would make it go away? Unfortunately, I have yet to find the answer. I can only distract myself from it. I can watch and listen the man I believe to marry one day on the screen and see sunshine and a vision of brighter days. It’s 11:16 in the night. That means 12 in California, I’m about to go to sleep when he goes about his day, no thought of me or my heavy cloud of sadness and worry. I suppose this feeling didn’t just show up. It has been there for a while and I have been ignoring it. Drinking myself to sleep and now I stopped and forced myself to spend more time dissecting it. Sleeping is nice, reading too. Movies help but only for a little bit. No responsibility or desire is important enough for me to dedicate my time to it. So my cloud keeps getting heavier and heavier. One day it must disappear. For that to happen, something must change, but what? And how strong is the rain going to be? Where is it going to fall? Who will end up drained in my water of misery? I feel it in my throat too. Like a lump I can’t swallow and which makes it impossible to scream for help. My hands are shaky too. From trying to hold up the cloud and stop it from crushing me completely. How long will my hands hold up? Will the winter ever pass? It’s hard to remember the summer during it. It seems like a distant dream which was never really mine. Like a hazy drunken vision. It feels like it had always been winter. No summer. It’s the end of December. New Year is coming. I stay the same. Tired and wishful towards something on the other side of the globe. No sunshine, just clouds. Happiness seems like California. It’s alive while I sleep. When I awake it goes falls silent. So does he. How strong can I be? And for how long? For whom?
It’s not in the cards. Three and four of swords showed when I asked the question. The question I shouldn’t have asked. I want to fight for what I believe is mine but I’m just so tired, so worried all of the time. Nobody knows. Or they don’t know how bad it can get, living inside of my head. It can be beautiful too, I write the poetry and sing the songs. I can turn blue into something beautiful, I sing. But when blue turns to black, my hands go stiff and I cannot write anymore. But I feel a lot. Both the good and the bad. With such intensity it’s hard to recognize what is real and what isn’t. But I must push myself for the cloud does get lighter when I write out words like these. Put it out on a paper. Make it make sense. Sit with it. And like old dreams I’m reading out of my soul and letting it into the atmosphere to become one with it. Perhaps I’m too, trying to get out of the Town created in my mind, survive the winter, clinging to my shadow and loving someone who, at this time, cannot love me back. I just hope when the time comes, I’m ready to leave. Find him in the real world. Leave the Town behind.