heavy clouds, California, my very own Town

Most of the time, particularly at night, I find myself under the influence of a strange, saddening, exhausting feeling. No matter how much I distract myself, it’s still there. In the back of my mind and then I ask myself. Why? I can’t find a satisfying answer. It is this heaviness I feel in my mind and in my chest. Like I’m about to cry but no tears are coming from my eyes. It’s so heavy. Like a cloud full of rain which cannot be released, it simply hovers inside of me. What would make it go away? Unfortunately, I have yet to find the answer. I can only distract myself from it. I can watch and listen the man I believe to marry one day on the screen and see sunshine and a vision of brighter days. It’s 11:16 in the night. That means 12 in California, I’m about to go to sleep when he goes about his day, no thought of me or my heavy cloud of sadness and worry. I suppose this feeling didn’t just show up. It has been there for a while and I have been ignoring it. Drinking myself to sleep and now I stopped and forced myself to spend more time dissecting it. Sleeping is nice, reading too. Movies help but only for a little bit. No responsibility or desire is important enough for me to dedicate my time to it. So my cloud keeps getting heavier and heavier. One day it must disappear. For that to happen, something must change, but what? And how strong is the rain going to be? Where is it going to fall? Who will end up drained in my water of misery? I feel it in my throat too. Like a lump I can’t swallow and which makes it impossible to scream for help. My hands are shaky too…